I'm sitting on the bed in my teenage room in the middle of the afternoon while the weather outside is slowly changing from bad to worse, painting the entire sky black with loads of thunders as a soundtrack. Frida is sleeping next to me, my room is a total mess and I can't help but feel like a 15 year old all over again, rebellious and full of questions.
Yes, I'm back in Šibenik.
In my hometown.
And if you're read some of my latest posts you may have picked up the information that Šibenik and I have a very complicated relationship. And it has been that way for pretty much my entire life.
A few days ago, when Mario and I began planning this little vacation, I started to think about the concept of a home. Is it the place, or space, or people or some particular mood that sticks with us and makes us embrace one particular city as our home sweet home? Or can we feel like home at any place where we feel great?
Let's take my very strong love-hate relationship with Šibenik as an example.
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to run away from it. I couldn't stand how passive it was, how nothing that interested me ever happened in there, how I had such a hard time meeting people who shared similar interests with me, how unfashionable the streets have felt...at that time I didn't know how to fight that feeling so I expressed myself through a strong case of personal style. I was never interested in what was going on right in front of me, my mind and heart were always somewhere else.
Somewhere far far away.
But I still did cry a bit when I was leaving for university.
Some of the best moments of my life have also happened here.
Some of my best friends still live here.
And no matter how many times I tell Mario that I have absolutely no interest in coming here (I visit it once, maybe twice a year mostly because I miss my grandparents), I still love it when we get here. I still want to wander those old streets and visit the places I love the most. Is that a case of a 'home sweet home' factor or are my emotions just one big mess?
They say 'home is where your heart is' and I cannot help but wonder - where is my heart?
The thing is, I love Šibenik through its arhitecture and history. I enjoy taking photographs of it and spend some time walking around the old town core. You'll never hear me say anything against it because I think it's so beautiful and unique. And no matter how unfriendly it feels at times, I know that a huge part of me has been defined by the city itself.
And I love our family house so incredibly much, especially my teeny tiny room that's filled with words, photos and memories. It was the only place in this town where I always could've been 100% me. It was my happy and safe place. It was a small universe that could've become anything I wanted. And in a way it still is.
And every other city I've ever been to or have lived in, including Rijeka where I currently reside (and love so very much), are different parts of the same story. And without all those experiences I would've never been able to cherish this one like I do.
The truth is, there are millions of places where I feel like home and that list is growing on a daily basis but there is only one place that's forever gonna be defined as a home to me. And it's not about the city, it's all about the emotions and your own history.
Now tell me, what is home to you?